


Been waiting to smile, been holding it in for a while

by ImNotStubborn



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, and miss them, it's fluff mostly, they're idiots and i love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 00:08:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17518451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImNotStubborn/pseuds/ImNotStubborn
Summary: Set in 19x08 Parasite.Fills the Weekly Berena Fix, prompt #3 "jealousy + anon prompt "isn't this a gorgeous view?" over on tumblr





	Been waiting to smile, been holding it in for a while

Serena grips her own leg, stilling it when the nervous bouncing she can't blame on her yet untouched coffee makes a file fall to the floor –on the _other_ side of the desk, of course– and she sighs as she glances at the time on her computer.

It's been fifteen minutes since Bernie left her things in their office and went out to the locker room, which might be less than Serena and most doctors need in the morning, but is unusually long for the action-driven trauma surgeon to change into her scrubs.

She tells herself she's just annoyed that their breakfast is getting cold. Except she went to get said breakfast as soon as Bernie left the room partly because they both need the caffeine after their sleepless night, but mostly because she's feeling guilty that she recoiled from holding her hand upon their arrival. So really, she knows annoyance is only a cover for fear that this simple incident and the rejection Bernie might have read into it, were enough to make her run away again.

She takes a deep breath and chooses, instead of going insane over speculations, to head out to the Nurses station where Fletch is already hard at work, and treat the cause of her uneasiness.

“Hello, Serena,” he says cheerfully as he sees her approach, his ear-to-ear grinning betraying just how much he saw yesterday before Bernie managed to close the curtain. “How are you doing this fine morning?”

Serena tries to smile back, but the anxiety she can feel rising doesn't help.

“I'm very well, thank you,” she answers as casually as she can, and Fletch is thankfully too busy writing something down in a patient's file to notice the insecurity in her voice. “Actually, I'm wondering if you haven't seen Ms Wolfe around?”

 _That_ however, gets him to pause and stare, confusion written all over his face.

“I would have thought… I mean, that you were with her,” he says carefully, lowering his voice even though they're both aware that yesterday's incident is all anyone can talk about around the hospital.

Serena sighs in frustration, but lowers her voice too as she notices one too many pair of eyes on her.

“I was, but she left and it's been a while so I'm… Look, have you seen her?”

“Not since you both arrived earlier, sorry, it's been a busy handover from the night's shift,” he apologises with a smile.

It's a valid excuse, and Serena again knows the annoyance is simply masking her growing worry, so she clears her throat and takes a step back.

“Right. Carry on then, didn't mean to keep you from patient care.”

She's about to get into their office again, when she hears hurried footsteps behind her.

“Wait, Ms C!” Fletch's voice calls out, and the fact that he waits until he's closer to continue gives her hope that he's not about to ask for a professional favour. “Have you checked the roof?”

“The roof?” she asks, a little taken aback at the idea.

“I don't mean to get her into any trouble,” Fletch starts again, looking conflicted, “but I think that's where she goes for her smoking breaks? I mean, where she went before-”

“Of course,” she cuts in, not needing to hear more. “Thank you, Fletch.”

She doesn't wait for his reply to go and get her coat.

-

Bernie Wolfe takes another deep breath in the cold morning, and lets herself feel sentimental as she sits on the roof stairs, remembering the few times Dom, the last person she would have expected to find a confident into –knowing his age and taste for hospital gossip– helped her get through the most difficult moments of her recent life. She smiles as she thinks of their latest conversation, and although he's probably already heard the news, notes to herself that he deserves an official text from her later on with a proper thank you in tow.

She stands up when her butt starts protesting against the cold metal through the cotton of her scrubs and gets closer to the edge, staring at the view below her. Taking it in slowly for once, instead of considering it simple background to her drama-filled life.

It's ludicrous how people claim that sounds and colours and smells change for the better when you're in love, it really is. Except it's also the exact truth she can't quite believe she is now living, and she can't stop herself from grinning down at a city she felt so unwanted in not so long ago.

Serena and her may never have an easygoing relationship, and there's still the matter of telling their respective children at some point –if Serena even wishes to do so, which Bernie now doubts considering she didn't want them to be seen as a couple earlier, even after their very much public display of affection from the day before. Not to mention their rocky start to say the least, how Bernie ran and ached and cried and hated herself for weeks, and from what she's gathered since she's been back, that one night stand with an ex none withstanding, how Serena got her own fair share of pain out of it –which is ironic considering Bernie thought going away would solve the problem for at least one of them.

Still, Bernie came back, and it's only been about twenty-four hours. But they've been the most astonishing, fulfilling twenty-four hours in a very long time, perhaps in her entire life, as Serena bravely let her guard down again and welcomed her back into her life with open arms.

It's a wonder and it's a gift she's not really sure she deserves yet, but whatever happens, it is completely worth the haziness right now, she thinks through the fog of sleep deprivation of her travelling from Ukraine, getting to work, and ending up in Serena's bed with absolutely no will to lose consciousness for longer than strictly necessary.

It's also a good thing she's had the brilliant idea to come up here before her shift started, because the cold wind hitting her face is at least helping her stay awake, and alert enough to hear the heavy access door opening behind her.

“There you are,” Serena says. “Wondered where you might have run off to.”

Bernie doesn't jump at the intrusion, only snorts out a laugh and gets her hands out of her pockets to show they're empty.

“I'm not smoking, if that was your concern,” she says as she briefly turns around with a dazzling smile.

Serena doesn't comment on what her concern actually was, too busy letting herself bathe in the relief that Bernie hasn't actually gone anywhere, and is in fact wearing her scrubs –which means she's not planning on leaving right this instant either. She walks towards her hesitantly.

“Is… everything all right?” she can't help but ask, because although Bernie seems in a good mood, it is still rather odd that she fled up there on their first official day back at work together.

“Everything's perfect,” Bernie answers, staring back at the city in front of her as Serena stops a few metres to her side. “This was sort of my hiding place before I left for Kiev. I used to come up here in times of crisis to have soul-soothing chats with a… let's say, helpful ally.”

Serena's heart misses a beat at the affection in her voice and the thoughtful look on her face. She knows it's stupid, knows it makes no sense considering Bernie's _I more than like you_ and Bernie's body and fingers and mouth last night and again this morning. She feels foolish for even thinking it. But she can't help the crippling feeling, inherited from years spent as unfaithful Edward's wife no doubt, as well as the vulnerability this new –in so many ways– relationship brings out in her, that something else could be going on here.

“Ally?”

She apparently does too good a job at sounding natural though, because Bernie only keeps smiling, and extends her arms to gesture at the entire rooftop.

“Yes. I thought I'd give myself a chance to appreciate it in a positive set of mind, for once.”

“Positive state of my mind,” she repeats slowly. “Well, that's… good.”

Serena takes a few deep breaths, tells herself Bernie doesn't look like she's hiding anything and she should stop making mountains out of molehills, that whoever that other person is, Bernie stayed and that's what matters, and blowing little things out of proportions like this might actually scare her away just as easily. That she should just leave her alone to enjoy her peace in this place, and stop bothering her with her own dumb fears.

But Bernie frowns as the silence lingers, sensing something might be wrong, and this time turns around to fully face her.

“Are _you_ okay?” she asks gently with that overly worried, caring look on her face that Serena appreciated so much even early in their friendship.

“I'm fine,” she answers, and she knows it came out too fast not to sound suspicious.

And sure enough, that combined with the awkwardness of Serena's stance, close yet far away, her arms crossed over her chest when it's really not that cold, and the lack of eye contact she usually doesn't shy away from, confirm Bernie's instinct that she might be lying.

Tentatively, she walks away from the edge of the building, and after silently asking permission and Serena nods, carefully pries one of Serena's hands away and links their fingers together.

“It's nothing,” Serena sighs without more prompting, although she can't help but squeeze back like she's afraid Bernie's fingers will slip away otherwise, “it's just… You disappeared earlier.”

“Oh,” Bernie breathes out, finally getting it.

She almost moves away, astonished by her own stupidity, silently berating herself for not foreseeing that Serena would inevitably worry about another vanishing act after the last one she pulled. But the other surgeon's grip on her forces her back to reality, and away from the self-hating spiral that would have swallowed her again.

“I'm so sorry,” she says instead, swallowing thickly. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

And because they're alone and she needs to and can finally allow herself to do it, she wraps her arms around Serena's body and hugs her close, feeling her contented sigh as she returns the embrace immediately.

“Just wanted to enjoy the calm before whatever today may bring,” Bernie explains, nuzzling at a mark she made just a few hours ago on Serena's neck, enjoying the goosebumps she can feel rising there. “After all, we did get in awfully early.”

Serena moves back a little, resting her hands on Bernie's forearms as she bites on her own lip.

“Yes, about that, I meant to apologise myself. For the parking lot,” she adds when Bernie tilts her head, confused. “I know it's silly, especially considering everyone's been blabbing on about the two of us ever since you… well, Kiev. I just wish we could keep this to ourselves as much as possible, for a bit longer.”

She wonders a second too late if it is going to sound to Bernie like she's ashamed of her, when it couldn't be farther from the truth. But before she can correct herself, the former army medic speaks.

“God no, I understand, Serena, I told you so. And I know what it's like to have every eye on you in this place, so really, I'm the one who's sorry you had to endure the rumour mill on your own while I was away.”

“You're here now, that's all that matters,” Serena means to firmly state, but she can hear the sweetness in her own voice and doesn't mind that much when she sees how it makes Bernie's whole face lighten up. “Although I wish I'd known about this place, because I could have used it. Unless that meant running into that ally of yours in the middle of a breakdown, obviously,” she half jokes, mostly curious but still slightly worried about whoever Bernie mentioned before.

“Oh, I wouldn't worry about that,” Bernie laughs, not catching the edge to Serena's voice. “Dom's a lot more discreet that anyone gives him credit for, and he doesn't mind sharing the space with another conflicted soul from time to time.”

Serena's eyes almost comically widen, and she has to fight a smile as she makes sure she heard right.

“Dom, as in Dominic Copeland?”

“Who else?” Bernie asks, shrugging, and only looks in puzzlement as Serena can't contain her hilarity any longer. “Why- why are you laughing?”

“It's, Lord, I just can't believe,” she tries to articulate, holding on to the other woman's shoulder as she laughs, “that of all things possible, I got jealous of Dominic bloody Copeland spending time alone with you!”

It takes a couple of minutes for her to recover, and it's just as well because Bernie needs a little time herself to process the news.

“ _You_ were… jealous?” she still asks, because she really can't wrap her head around the concept.

That, and her incredulous tone send Serena into another fit of laughter, and even though she still doesn't completely understand what's going on, Bernie can't resist a few chuckles at the sound.

“Of course I was,” Serena eventually replies when she's back to herself. “You mentioned someone helping you through all the mess you were going through, when I had no idea you were so close to anyone else around here. That's not nothing.”

“But, Serena,” Bernie explains, speaking slowly as if legitimately concerned for Serena's mental health, “I told you I… I mean, I told you how much I missed you, we went home together-”

“I know that, dear, and don't you dare think I will ever forget a single detail of it,” Serena says, arching an eyebrow and loving the way Bernie's eyes darken even in the clear light of the morning. “I guess even after last night, it all feels so surreal, in the best way, that I still can't quite believe you're back,” she adds more softly. “And what little sleep we did get obviously wasn't enough for me to regain my full capacities.”

“Serena Wendy Campbell,” Bernie scolds with a smile and a shake of her head, “you're a brilliant surgeon, but you sure can be silly at times.”

“Oi! I'm not the only one having issues working out the kinks of this relationship, I'll have you know.”

Serena means it as a joke, but Bernie loses the smile and looks at her with all the seriousness in the world, and frames her face with her hands.

“I know you're not, and so far I've certainly screwed up more than you have,” she says wistfully, and stops Serena form interrupting with a finger to her lips. “But I love you, Serena, and I promise I'll try my hardest not to screw it up again.”

Serena thinks it's a good thing Bernie's hands are touching her skin right now, helping her integrate what is happening. Bernie's really back and right here in front of her. Bernie's truly looking at her with the most intense and earnest eyes since last night, since ever. Bernie actually just said those three words for the very first time, on the rooftop of the building where they met, shared a unit and a friendship, and eventually fell in love.

“I love you too,” she replies as fast as she can think to, because she can't let herself choke on emotion right now, and live one more second without Bernie hearing it.

And when the blonde surgeon looks genuinely surprised at the declaration, Serena thinks to hell with professionalism and to hell with whoever might come up here at the wrong time. She kisses her, kisses away the doubts, kisses her with all the love she can pour into it so Bernie can't ever question it –and promises herself to remind her of it as often as she can from now on. Smiles a little at the same time, because Bernie kisses back with a vengeance, with the unspoken reply that she does get the message.

Eventually they do part, foreheads touching and lips only centimetres away, eyes closed as they try and get their breathing back to a healthier frequency.

“You're right to fear nothing from Dom, by the way,” Bernie points out once she feels she can speak again, thinking back to the previous day. “I asked him if he would turn for me when things where still rocky between you and I, and he actually declined.”

Serena laughs at the radical change in topic, as well as the underlying offence Bernie probably didn't mean to let transpire.

“How rude of him! Did he not get the memo about every one of this hospital's employees having to broaden their romantic and sexual horizons upon meeting you?”

“I know,” Bernie mock-sighs, “these young doctors have no respect for the rules.”

They stay quiet for a while, and eventually Bernie entangles them so they can both face the town, checking her watch in the process –mindful of what little time they have left before their shift officially begins.

“Now come on, all hiding aside, isn't this a gorgeous view?”

“It really is,” Serena replies in a faux innocent tone.

And when Bernie looks sideways, curious, she realises by her mischievous grin that Serena hasn't been staring at the city at all, but at her.

“Oh my God, please tell me this didn't just happen,” she says as she goes to cover her face with her hand, feeling her cheeks reddening from more than the cold.

“You better believe it did,” Serena states with aplomb and not one ounce of shame, sliding her fingers between Bernie's and getting her hand out of the way in the process.

“Didn't have you down as the cheesy romantic type, Ms Campbell,” Bernie teases sheepishly, bumping their shoulders together.

“Never felt the urge before I met you, Major Wolfe.”

She forgoes correcting Serena when lips crash onto hers once more, and finds there are more important matters in this world than the incorrect use of former military titles.


End file.
